He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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