a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
