i think my mom watched the whole time
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
