For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Houston, we have a blender
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Randomize
