I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
