24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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