Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
