i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
