I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
