Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Randomize
