when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
