fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
You've changed since you got that strap on
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
