cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
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