he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
