She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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