had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize