im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Randomize
