I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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