Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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