First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
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