Non-Jews are for practice
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
