Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
