I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
