Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
