Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
accomplished twins. life is a go
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
