Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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