i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
organizing the empties. That sober.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Randomize
