i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
