How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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