I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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