I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
