I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
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