i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
