Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
