i need an iv and a liver transplant
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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