Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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