So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
