All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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