all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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