My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize