Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Randomize
