I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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