life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
oh god was she eating orange peels again
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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