Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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