i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Randomize
