apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
you would pick up someone in the library
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
my nose is crying tears of wow.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
