I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
