Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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