i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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