I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
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