My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I have fence marks all over my body
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
