i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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