JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
