You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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