You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
not ubering you a puppy
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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