i'm signing you up for texting rehab
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Randomize
