I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize