Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
