I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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