living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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